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Stupid

I’ve Gotta Get Out More

by Andy Wood on August 10, 2011

in Turning Points

For the last six years I have had the privilege of serving on the adjunct faculty of Regent University’s School of Undergraduate Studies.  When I started, Regent Undergrad was a simple two-year degree completion program, designed to help people complete a bachelor’s degree so they could attend the prestigious graduate program founded by Pat Robertson of The 700 Club and CBN fame.  But now RSU, as it’s called by insiders, is a four-year institution of its own.

And I hear they’re thinking about starting a golf and tennis team.  Woo hoo!

Anyway, one of the high points for me is the Fall Faculty Workshop, where they fly people in from wherever to attend a day or two of meetings for training, inspiration, coordination, and schmoozing.

Especially schmoozing.

Whatever my day job has been during the last seven early-Augusts, it has been a highlight since 2005 to return to the scene of my Ph.D. work, with its stunning campus, caring people, and fresh ideas.

Did I mention schmoozing?

With a lot of turnover, growth, and the ebb and flow so typical of a young, growing enterprise this is an annual opportunity to make connections.  And memories.  And yes, impressions.  Add to that the fact that this Coastal Alabama boy had not left drought-ridden Texas since Thanksgiving last year, and hadn’t seen rain in over six months – I was ready for a change of pace.  And, of course, to make an impression.

Well, maybe not like the impression I made at the DFW Airport. [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams: Bodacious Broadcasting Edition

by Andy Wood on July 27, 2011

in Life Currency,Words

Live in 30 seconds.

Go Camera One.

Camera one.

Go Camera Two.

Camera two.

Cue Intro.

And five… four… three… two…

From around the world, across the nation, and up your street, we welcome you to another edition of…

(bup bup budup bup baaaaaah!)

Hanukkah Hams!

It’s been a while since our last edition, so for the uninitiated, let me catch you up.  A Hanukkah Ham is sort of like Candid Camera without the “candid” or the camera.  It’s a glorious celebration of people who later asked “What was I thinking?”  Hanukkah Hams are named after the Greenwich Village market who did this clever ad display.  And in the past we have explored drains on the brain such as airline travel, higher education, electricity, hunting laws, and Christmas.

Today we go live and on the air to the world of news, weather and sports broadcasting, where, as you probably know, anything can happen.

Live.

Like this: [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams: Brain Drain on the Plane Edition

by Andy Wood on May 26, 2010

in Uncategorized

Raise those tray tables, buckle that seat belt (that you wouldn’t have known how to do without that handy demonstration), and turn off that portable electronic device!  Hanukkah Hams is taking off again. 

In case you missed any of the previous editions, a Hannukah Ham is an episode of brilliance in the blooper reel of life – leaving us all to ask… “What were they thinking?”

In celebration of the fact that tomorrow I’ll be enjoying that living enema called commercial airline travel (flying to ‘Bama for a week), this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes you past the ticket agents, through security, by the food court, and into the pressurized metal tube.

The problem, friends, is NOT a shortage of material. [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams: Game Warden Edition

by Andy Wood on November 20, 2009

in Gamblers,LV Alter-egos

HuntingTomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state.  And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams!  In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain.  Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south.  Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh?  What was I thinking?

In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms.  But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.

And frankly, all of this gets confusing.  I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license?  I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.

What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region.  So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.

Couldn’t find one of those.

So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject.  Here’s an excerpt from our interview: [click to continue…]

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I Need an Attorney – I Messed with Texas

by Andy Wood on November 13, 2009

in Gamblers,LV Alter-egos

Crime“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin.  This is Brenda.  How may I direct your call?”

“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy.  I need an attorney.  I’ve been busted.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but I’m sure we can help.  KillMeNow specializes in not being picky at all in who we represent.”

“Uh, thanks, I think.”

“So I can assist you further, can you tell me why you’re behind bars?”

“Well, it’s sort of embarrassing. [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams Goes to College

by Andy Wood on June 23, 2009

in Consumers,Gamblers,Insight,Life Currency,LV Alter-egos

sleeping-studentOkay, you students of all things gloriously stupid!  Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams.  In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.

What better place to discover colossal displays of “what-were-you-thinking” than in the hallowed halls of academia?  I once had a college professor that said, “College is the only place where people don’t want to get their money’s worth.” See if these true stories, drawn from the actual testimonies of college professors, don’t restore your hope in the future of America.

Remember, friends – these people will be managing your nursing home.  Or running your country. [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams – Ho Ho Whoa Edition

by Andy Wood on December 15, 2008

in Gamblers,LV Alter-egos,Spoofs

mudtrap.com

It was only a matter of time before something as festive and holy as Christmas brought out the fun side in all of us. And every year has its own version. Here’s a little Monday Christmas fun, Hanukkah Ham style:

Our friend Tim Hawkins, of Cletus Take the Reel fame, sends this Christmas Greeting. Click here then click on “The Christmas Puppy.”

Jacked-up Christmas Lyrics

A couple of weeks ago I was researching for a Christmas message titled “Jacked Up” about the crazy ideas and expectations people have around the holidays (you can hear it here: here).

I came across several web sites and blogs that talk about jacked-up lines in Christmas songs. Here are some of my favorites:

1. In 1964 the Beach Boys released a song called, “Christmas Comes This Time of Year.” That’s helpful! Deep, too. Sort of like saying, “Monday comes this time of week.”

2. Andy Williams, among others, is famous for the song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” A line in that song says,

“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories….”

Whoa, there, AW. How many people do you know that tuck their little kids in bed on Christmas Eve and tell them tales of bleeding holly, haunted sleighs, or demon-possessed reindeer? Now go on to sleep kids! [click to continue…]

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Hanukkah Hams – Show Me the Money Edition

by Andy Wood on November 13, 2008

in Consumers,Gamblers,Insight,Life Currency,LV Alter-egos,Money

Okay, all you fans of the amazing possibilities of humans left to their own ideas, it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams!  In case you missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham was named after this, uh, “creative” marketing idea last year.

With all the gloom, doom, and sleepless nights about the economy, I thought maybe we could use a little financial inspiration.

Couldn’t find any, so this is what you get instead…

One of the fundamental truths of the New Testament is that money is “coined personality.”  That is, people can see the “real you” in the ways you respond to and handle money.  If you’re generous with your finances, you’ll be generous with other parts of your life as well.  Same is true if you’re careless, stingy, unorganized, etc.  This raises some interesting questions about some or organizations.  If money is coined personality, we may have a few problems!

A couple of years ago, I walked into a local bank, started writing a check, and told the teller in my best deadpan voice that I needed $30 worth of Federal Reserve notes.  He actually asked another teller, “Do we have Federal Reserve notes here?”  “Ya mean, money?” she asked.

Last month a man in Warren, Michigan figured the best way to get a little extra cash for the holidays was to strong arm somebody and steal theirs. [click to continue…]

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Two Ways You DON’T Want to be Remembered

by Andy Wood on August 20, 2008

in Consumers,Five LV Laws,LV Alter-egos,Principle of Legacy

LifeVesting is about creating a compelling future and leaving a legacy long after your life here is done.

How do you want to be remembered?  Here are a couple of ways I don’t recommend.  One is pretty funny – the other, painfully sad.

The Man Who Got Shot and Arrested for Robbing a Drug Store with a Caulking Gun

The Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram reported on August 15 that a 24-year-old man, John Wilkinson, of Big Spring, walked into a West Texas pharmacy carrying what looked like a gun wrapped in a dark cloth, and demanding Xanax and hydrocodine.

After getting the drugs from the drug store, Wilkinson tried to make his escape, but realized he had locked his keys in his running car in front of the store.  So he took off running on foot.

He was shot by police.

He’s not dead, though.

Just under arrest for suspicion of armed robbery after being treated for the gun shot.

Oh, and John’s weapon of choice?  A caulking gun.

Not sure what he would have done had the druggist challenged him.  I guess he would have waterproof-sealed him to death.

The World’s Most Honest Obit

The following obituary was posted a couple of weeks ago in the Napa/Sonoma Times Herald.  It was confirmed to be real here.  Brace yourself…. [click to continue…]

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Guess I Won’t Do That Again

by Andy Wood on August 12, 2008

in Gamblers,LV Alter-egos,Turning Points

(A Turning Point Story)

Pam was 15 and pregnant.  Somehow, in the wake of some poor choices, however, she made a good one.  Pam decided not to get an abortion, and a young man – an all-star outfielder in his high school – lives today because of that decision.  But Pam’s decision was costly, because her family didn’t approve.  Pam needed a place to go.  So at a time when our own children were four and two, Pregnant Pam came to live with us.

We helped arrange a private adoption, and the time came for Pam’s baby to be born.  Robin was committed to walking with Pam through all of this, so she stayed at the hospital with her, and I kept the little ones at home.  Having been through all of this together, the kids and I were excited about seeing Pam’s baby.  So we planned a little trek up to Medical Center East in Birmingham.

Being something of a hospital veteran, I decided on this Saturday to go in through the Emergency Room.  I herded my little brood through the waiting room, through the double doors, and into the elevator.  After a delightful visit, we reversed the process – into the elevator, back through the double doors, breezing through the ER waiting room.  The kids were walking ahead of me, self-assured and chattering away.  They marched through the exit doors and started down the sidewalk toward the car.

[click to continue…]

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