Tomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state. And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams! In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain. Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south. Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh? What was I thinking?
In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms. But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.
And frankly, all of this gets confusing. I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license? I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.
What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region. So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.
Couldn’t find one of those.
So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject. Here’s an excerpt from our interview: [click to continue…]
Okay, you students of all things gloriously stupid! Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams. In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.
What better place to discover colossal displays of “what-were-you-thinking” than in the hallowed halls of academia? I once had a college professor that said, “College is the only place where people don’t want to get their money’s worth.” See if these true stories, drawn from the actual testimonies of college professors, don’t restore your hope in the future of America.
Remember, friends – these people will be managing your nursing home. Or running your country. [click to continue…]
It was only a matter of time before something as festive and holy as Christmas brought out the fun side in all of us. And every year has its own version. Here’s a little Monday Christmas fun, Hanukkah Ham style:
Our friend Tim Hawkins, of Cletus Take the Reel fame, sends this Christmas Greeting. Click here then click on “The Christmas Puppy.”
Jacked-up Christmas Lyrics
A couple of weeks ago I was researching for a Christmas message titled “Jacked Up” about the crazy ideas and expectations people have around the holidays (you can hear it here: here).
I came across several web sites and blogs that talk about jacked-up lines in Christmas songs. Here are some of my favorites:
1. In 1964 the Beach Boys released a song called, “Christmas Comes This Time of Year.” That’s helpful! Deep, too. Sort of like saying, “Monday comes this time of week.”
2. Andy Williams, among others, is famous for the song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” A line in that song says,
“There’ll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories….”
Whoa, there, AW. How many people do you know that tuck their little kids in bed on Christmas Eve and tell them tales of bleeding holly, haunted sleighs, or demon-possessed reindeer? Now go on to sleep kids! [click to continue…]
Okay, all you fans of the amazing possibilities of humans left to their own ideas, it’s time for another edition of Hanukkah Hams! In case you missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham was named after this, uh, “creative” marketing idea last year.
With all the gloom, doom, and sleepless nights about the economy, I thought maybe we could use a little financial inspiration.
Couldn’t find any, so this is what you get instead…
One of the fundamental truths of the New Testament is that money is “coined personality.” That is, people can see the “real you” in the ways you respond to and handle money. If you’re generous with your finances, you’ll be generous with other parts of your life as well. Same is true if you’re careless, stingy, unorganized, etc. This raises some interesting questions about some or organizations. If money is coined personality, we may have a few problems!
A couple of years ago, I walked into a local bank, started writing a check, and told the teller in my best deadpan voice that I needed $30 worth of Federal Reserve notes. He actually asked another teller, “Do we have Federal Reserve notes here?” “Ya mean, money?” she asked.
Last month a man in Warren, Michigan figured the best way to get a little extra cash for the holidays was to strong arm somebody and steal theirs. [click to continue…]
How do you want to be remembered? Here are a couple of ways I don’t recommend. One is pretty funny – the other, painfully sad.
The Man Who Got Shot and Arrested for Robbing a Drug Store with a Caulking Gun
The Midland (Texas) Reporter-Telegram reported on August 15 that a 24-year-old man, John Wilkinson, of Big Spring, walked into a West Texas pharmacy carrying what looked like a gun wrapped in a dark cloth, and demanding Xanax and hydrocodine.
After getting the drugs from the drug store, Wilkinson tried to make his escape, but realized he had locked his keys in his running car in front of the store. So he took off running on foot.
He was shot by police.
He’s not dead, though.
Just under arrest for suspicion of armed robbery after being treated for the gun shot.
Oh, and John’s weapon of choice? A caulking gun.
Not sure what he would have done had the druggist challenged him. I guess he would have waterproof-sealed him to death.
The World’s Most Honest Obit
The following obituary was posted a couple of weeks ago in the Napa/Sonoma Times Herald. It was confirmed to be real here. Brace yourself…. [click to continue…]
Pam was 15 and pregnant. Somehow, in the wake of some poor choices, however, she made a good one. Pam decided not to get an abortion, and a young man – an all-star outfielder in his high school – lives today because of that decision. But Pam’s decision was costly, because her family didn’t approve. Pam needed a place to go. So at a time when our own children were four and two, Pregnant Pam came to live with us.
We helped arrange a private adoption, and the time came for Pam’s baby to be born. Robin was committed to walking with Pam through all of this, so she stayed at the hospital with her, and I kept the little ones at home. Having been through all of this together, the kids and I were excited about seeing Pam’s baby. So we planned a little trek up to Medical Center East in Birmingham.
Being something of a hospital veteran, I decided on this Saturday to go in through the Emergency Room. I herded my little brood through the waiting room, through the double doors, and into the elevator. After a delightful visit, we reversed the process – into the elevator, back through the double doors, breezing through the ER waiting room. The kids were walking ahead of me, self-assured and chattering away. They marched through the exit doors and started down the sidewalk toward the car.
People with peanut allergies shouldn’t open a bag or jar with the word “peanut” on it.
Microwave ovens aren’t designed to dry wet pets.
Silly Putty shouldn’t be used as ear plugs.
Unfortunately, what’s obvious to most, passes right by the VOMOS club (and we’ve all had a membership card in that one at some time).
And before you think somebody’s nuts for stating the obvious, remember, this is America. We sue people here. Shamelessly. Once they dislodge the pointed fence from our colon.
Somewhere up in heaven, Aunt Ruth is probably hooting. I know she would be if she were still around here.
Aunt Ruth (who was neither my aunt, nor was she named “Ruth”) used to love to catch preachers with their foot in their mouth; it was something of a hobby to her. Nothing could penetrate her sometimes-sharp exterior and produce uncontrollable laughter like hearing that a prim and proper “man of God” had just said something stupid. And she was cruel with it! One little snafu from you-know-who, and I’d hear about it for weeks. And between guffaws, as she would gasp for air, she’d always sound the same warning. If I spelled it the way she said it, it would read like this:
“You gotta watch them woids!”
Rather than get offended, I played along. We often entertained each other with stories we’d heard of other preachers. Like the time a preacher friend of mine said three times in a sermon, “I’m praying that God would make our church a cesspool of His love! A cesspool of His grace! A cesspool of his power!”
He was thinking artesian well. But that’s not what his folks were smelling at the moment.
Tomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state. And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams! In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain. Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south. Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh? What was I thinking?
“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin. This is Brenda. How may I direct your call?”
Okay, you students of all things gloriously stupid! Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams. In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.
