Three times she sent me to the principal’s office, and two of those times I emerged with a butt-on-fire.
One time she made me stay after school in an Ann-imposed detention. I lied to my mother and told her I needed to stay late because of band. When she picked me up, who should be walking out of the building but Miss Finch? She tattled on me, and then it was double trouble.
Once I ended the grading period with an 89.4 average. She gave me a “B” for the quarter. One lousy stinking tenth of a point! Too bad. She wouldn’t budge.
I liked Ann Finch.
Probably for the wrong reasons, but I liked her nonetheless. She was so easy to pick on. [click to continue…]
It could alter traffic, change work schedules, and send us into bone-chilled terror. When we weren’t busting out laughing.
I’m talking about “The Look.”
Mama copped to it – even called it “The JoAnne Look.”
My most recent encounter with it came last October when we were sitting in the lobby of Providence Hospital waiting for my dad to get a test. Secluded in a waiting area, we could hear somebody on the other side setting up some sort of display by dragging eight-foot tables with an annoying racket. Especially annoying if you had a bad headache, as Mama did.
Q. – Dad, why do you wait until Christmas Eve to do your Christmas Shopping?
A. – Because the stores are closed on Christmas Day.
Christmas has its own unique mashup of truth and myths, and every year somebody ultimately brings up both. I was asked on one occasion what my favorite Christmas myth was. I’d like to share my reply with you.
My favorite Christmas myth has nothing to do with Nativity scenes, jolly little fat men, or reindeer with nuclear sinus infections.
Tomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state. And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams! In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain. Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south. Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh? What was I thinking?
In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms. But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.
And frankly, all of this gets confusing. I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license? I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.
What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region. So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.
Couldn’t find one of those.
So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject. Here’s an excerpt from our interview: [click to continue…]
A famous chicken franchise, run by a deceased military officer in a white suit, has a very specific, sequenced way of taking your order. Go to any store (at least any of the ones I frequent), and it doesn’t matter what you order or how you place it, you will be corralled into the proper procedure.
She: Welcome to KFC!
Me: I’ll have a three piece, original, with mashed potatoes and green beans.
She: Is that for here or to go?
Me: For here.
She: Okay. What would you like?
Me: Uh… Three piece, original, with mashed potatoes and green beans.
She: Okay. Original or extra crispy?
Me: (Bottom lip almost bleeding) Original
She: Aaand, what two sides would you like with that?
Me: Oh, just surprise me.
At times I’ve thought it must just be somebody’s unique personality quirk. [click to continue…]
Okay, I get it. Dickens County (pop. 2,762) is hiring at the local correctional facility in Spur (pop. 1,088).
But is it just me?
Or is there sometimes more than one way to read an invitation?
Wanna join our family? Just keep drinking and driving, Otis. Or just knock your wife around or knock off that store.
We’re an equal opportunity… employer… with benefits. We offer three squares a day, with health and dental as needed. (Or we’ll at least get the local vet to pull that bad tooth.)
Christmas is coming
The elves have been away
Now they’re returning from their holiday.
If you haven’t any reindeer
An airline flight will do
If you haven’t got an airline flight,
Then God bless you.
Christmas is coming
Although it’s still July
We’re going shopping, and no asking “Why?”
Hobby Lobby has your ornaments
And artificial pines
If you don’t have one in your town
Then shop online.
Christmas is coming
The elves may call it quits -
Santa’s reducing all their benefits.
If you haven’t got insurance
Obamacare will do
If you haven’t got Obamacare
It’s time to sue.
Our buddy Tim Hawkins is back with a new DVD, “I’m No Rockstar” – a 90-minute combination of stand-up, acoustic guitar comedy, and “rock star moments.” You can order it, along with his other awesome stuff, here. Meanwhile, here’s a hilarious tribute to the place where cows encourage you to “Eat Mor Chikin.”
Okay, you students of all things gloriously stupid! Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams. In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.
What better place to discover colossal displays of “what-were-you-thinking” than in the hallowed halls of academia? I once had a college professor that said, “College is the only place where people don’t want to get their money’s worth.” See if these true stories, drawn from the actual testimonies of college professors, don’t restore your hope in the future of America.
Remember, friends – these people will be managing your nursing home. Or running your country. [click to continue…]
I hated Ann Finch.
Q. – Dad, why do you wait until Christmas Eve to do your Christmas Shopping?
Tomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state. And what better way to celebrate than with another round of 
“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin. This is Brenda. How may I direct your call?”
A famous chicken franchise, run by a deceased military officer in a white suit, has a very specific, sequenced way of taking your order. Go to any store (at least any of the ones I frequent), and it doesn’t matter what you order or how you place it, you will be corralled into the proper procedure.
From a billboard in Ralls, Texas…
Okay, you students of all things gloriously stupid! Time for another round of Hanukkah Hams. In case you’ve missed previous episodes, a Hanukkah Ham is a reminder of what can happen when unlicensed people are left free to drive an imagination without supervision.