Q. – Dad, why do you wait until Christmas Eve to do your Christmas Shopping?
A. – Because the stores are closed on Christmas Day.
Christmas has its own unique mashup of truth and myths, and every year somebody ultimately brings up both. I was asked on one occasion what my favorite Christmas myth was. I’d like to share my reply with you.
My favorite Christmas myth has nothing to do with Nativity scenes, jolly little fat men, or reindeer with nuclear sinus infections.
It has to do with people. [click to continue…]
Nobody uses this gate any more. But when I was a kid, it was a gateway to wonder. Just north of my grandparents’ house, across a small pasture, this gate opened the pathway to one of the most fascinating people I have ever known.
On the other side, just across the dirt road, there rested an old log cabin. And inside that log cabin lived Bob and Pearl McLean. It was years before I knew their last names. To my sister and me, they were Cousin Bob and Miss Pearl.
Pearl McLean was the slowest-talking human I have ever known. [click to continue…]
It isn’t Camelot. It’s a farm in Alabama.
There is no Round Table. But a couple of rectangular ones have been the scene for many card and domino games and never-ending meals served up.
There are no knights on trusty steeds. But an old blue Ford tractor gave way a few years ago to a new John Deere, and I can do some pretty mean jousting of sorts with that.
The house has been modeled and remodeled over time. The barn – the second of my lifetime – is showing its age. But cows still graze in the pasture and give birth to new generations, including a really cute calf born recently that the family named “Peanut.” I will not tell you why.
Adventure waits in all four directions at this place – the home of my great grandparents, my grandparents, and now my parents. [click to continue…]
Tomorrow gun season begins for deer hunters in my home state. And what better way to celebrate than with another round of Hanukkah Hams! In case you’ve missed previous editions, allow me to explain. Hanukkah Hams are glorious acts of intelligence-gone-south. Ideas that seemed to make perfectly good sense at the time, but leave you asking, “Huh? What was I thinking?
In honor of my shotgun-totin’ four wheelin’ Bambi-chaser friends in Alabama and beyond, this edition of Hanukkah Hams takes to the woods or the marshes, the fields and even the lakes to remind you – the Second Amendment protects your right to bear arms. But thousands of other laws exist to protect the deer, the antelope, and apparently every other known species known to man.
And frankly, all of this gets confusing. I mean, really, did you actually read all those regulations when you got your license? I just look for the dates when the shells and fur can start flying.
What’s more, everything varies from state to state, and even region to region. So we here at the Hanukkah Hams Research Institute sought the help of a recognized expert.
Couldn’t find one of those.
So we checked with local Game Warden Burney Fife, who seemed to have a surprising amount of knowledge on the subject. Here’s an excerpt from our interview: [click to continue…]
(Tense Truth: The perfect truth of the gospel was placed into the hands of a group of people whose lives were a complete mess. Jesus knew this, but commissioned them anyway.)
Picture the scene in that upper room on the day of the Resurrection. Rumors and testimonies are flying! A strange mixture of fear, joy, and disbelief. Suddenly, according to John’s account, the Lord Jesus appears and says, “Peace to you; as the Father has sent me, so I’m sending you” (John 20:21).
Hello and head out! Victory and a vision. A Conqueror with a commission. And now these disciples would duplicate on earth what was first transacted in heaven. “The Father sent me. In the same way, I am sending you.”
But wait a minute. Before we glory in our visions of Pentecost, it would do us good to remember who it was the Lord was talking to. So send I . . . WHO? [click to continue…]
Hanging on the wall at the Grace Clinic lab in Lubbock – addressed to people referred to as “patient.”
Now that’s refreshing. To a group of people (and it was a huge group on this day, smack in the middle of flu season) who would probably rather be anywhere else and had precious little time, somebody noticed – and planned to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. The message: We recognize you have a life outside what it is we do here.
What if we reapplied that idea to other common experiences? Imagine the signs you may see that reflect tiny investments in your life, or the lives of others.
Hanging in a coffee shop: [click to continue…]
“Thank you for calling Killinger, Meeks, and Nowlin. This is Brenda. How may I direct your call?”
“Hi, Brenda, this is Andy. I need an attorney. I’ve been busted.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but I’m sure we can help. KillMeNow specializes in not being picky at all in who we represent.”
“Uh, thanks, I think.”
“So I can assist you further, can you tell me why you’re behind bars?”
“Well, it’s sort of embarrassing. [click to continue…]
by Andy Wood on November 11, 2009
in 100 Words
For every mother who saw her son off to something benignly called, “deployment,”
For every pharmacist, plumber, or school teacher who learned the true meaning of “citizen soldier,”
For every sailor who remembers Pearl Harbor, or Marine who stormed Normandy,
For every soldier who remembers Fort Hood, Saigon, or Baghdad,
For every mechanic who ever rebuilt a helicopter engine, or pilot who left a vapor trail in the name of freedom,
For every broken heart, haunted in a cemetery by the last fading notes of “Taps,”
For every tri-cornered flag, decorated grave, or salute rendered on this day…
Thank you.
A famous chicken franchise, run by a deceased military officer in a white suit, has a very specific, sequenced way of taking your order. Go to any store (at least any of the ones I frequent), and it doesn’t matter what you order or how you place it, you will be corralled into the proper procedure.
She: Welcome to KFC!
Me: I’ll have a three piece, original, with mashed potatoes and green beans.
She: Is that for here or to go?
Me: For here.
She: Okay. What would you like?
Me: Uh… Three piece, original, with mashed potatoes and green beans.
She: Okay. Original or extra crispy?
Me: (Bottom lip almost bleeding) Original
She: Aaand, what two sides would you like with that?
Me: Oh, just surprise me.
At times I’ve thought it must just be somebody’s unique personality quirk. [click to continue…]
“It seems plausible that folly and fools, like religion and magic, meet some deeply rooted needs in human society.” -Peter Berger, Redeeming Laughter
At a convention, filled with pastors and other very religious people, I was sitting on a shuttle bus going from the parking lot to the convention center. The bus made a stop, and on hopped Dennis Swanberg – comedian, and then-pastor. I recognized him, because we’d recently had him as a guest in our church. Somebody else recognized him too. A good ol’ boy hollered from the back of the bus, “Hey! Aren’t you Dennis Swanberg? Say sumpthin’ funny!”
Dennis smiled good-naturedly, but the look in his eye said it all: Seriously?
I joked with him about the cluelessness of the request. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s sorta like saying to a doctor in public, ‘Cure something,’”
One Planet, Two Kingdoms
Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Where are the clowns? [click to continue…]
