The question was relevant and greatly needed. A wife in couples counseling once asked, “How do I deal with resentment so that I don’t explode at my husband and say things I’ll regret?”
“You toss the Oreo,” I replied.
To their honestly-delighted quizzical looks (she loved Oreos), I explained:
Here’s a communication technique that can help you communicate your feelings and ask for your partner’s help. I call it “tossing the Oreo.” And no, I don’t mean getting mad and hurling cookies at your spouse!
Tossing the Oreo begins with what others have called the old sandwich technique – wrapping a criticism around two pieces of praise. But it goes one step further.
Let’s start by building the cookie.
First, say something about him you appreciate. Tell him how responsive he has been to you, or how much you appreciate something he’s been doing.
Then, trying to avoid using the word, “BUT,” if you can, bring up the concern. It’s important here that you frame it in the language of feelings. “It makes me feel <_____> when you <______.>” (One exception here. Do not tell anyone that it makes you feel angry when they do something. Anger is a second-hand emotion, and is always a choice. Go back to the first feelings – the ones just prior to you getting ticked off.) Here are some examples:
“It makes me feel unimportant when you continue to leave your stuff lying around.”
“It makes me feel insecure when you look at other women like that.”
“It makes me feel rejected when you interrupt me and don’t appear to be listening.”
Then you finish building the cookie by adding another word of praise. “I know you don’t mean to do that” is a simple way of focusing your confidence and/or love back toward your partner. Or, you can state the opposite of your objection statement (the book of Proverbs is full of these). It may sound something like this:
“It makes me feel unimportant when you continue to leave your stuff lying around, but when you help me around the house, I feel like the most important woman in the world.”
Up to this point, however, all you’ve done is build the cookie. Time to toss it. Tossing the Oreo simply means following your statements of fact and feeling with one simple and clear request. This is especially true if you’re talking to a guy. Women can intuitively connect the dots; we men often need it spelled out for us. In the name of all that is communication, spell it out! Tell him/her exactly what you want him/her to do.
Let’s put the horseshoe on the other foot and consider the example of Shane and Elaine, a couple who’s been married for three years. Shane is frustrated – actually he’s angry and resentful – because Elaine hasn’t communicated well about how she is spending money. He knows she isn’t trying to be wasteful or inconsiderate, but when he tries to pay the bills he constantly discovers expenditures he knew nothing about.
Rather than hide in resentment or hurl in rage, Shane heals and helps. He says to Elaine:
“Honey, it means a lot to me that you are working hard to make our home beautiful and to take care of most of the shopping. [chocolate cookie #1]. It sure takes a load off of me. It makes me feel panicky, though, when I find debits from the checking account that I didn’t know anything about. [creamy middle problem] When you do get me the receipts, I feel respected and confident that we can manage our money. [chocolate cookie #2]. Would you mind putting your receipts or carbon checks in this tray beside the telephone each day? [tossing the Oreo]
This communication technique can be used anywhere – in the office, at school, and certainly in the famly. Try it. It may feel a bit contrived at first, but it can easily become a powerful communication habit.
Just make sure you remember one thing. “Tossing the Oreo” is NOT the same thing as “tossing your cookies.” Or throwing tomatoes or dishes.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Now that is great advice. I will use it myself, and, share it with people I love.
That would be MY husband who has so eloquently communicated this creative and oh so delicious means of communication for marriage therapy. It is absolutely incredible babe!!!!
OK, gotta practice this one… thank you. Love those oreo cookies!
Are there certain times to use the “Double Stuff” principle on this rule?
@the Puritan Hitman:
Yes, PH, there actually is. The Pastoral Oreo Tossing Society (POTS), of which I am the founding (and only) member, actually has several variations on the Oreo tossing technique. The “Double Stuff” to which you refer involves matching your complaint with a confession of your own shortcomings. In the above illustration, when Shane shares his feelings with Elaine (“It makes me feel panicky when I find receipts I didn’t know anything about,”) the Double Stuff technique would add a confession something like this: “Of course, I know I also spend money on things and forget to record it.” OR, “I know I can be a little insensitive about your needs or ungrateful about all you do, and I’m sorry.”
Double-stuffing does NOT mean adding additional layers of your partner’s/employee’s/friend’s offenses inside the same cookie. It’s here that we at POTS part company with our friends at Nabisco.
i happened to come across your blog and i just have to say that it both amuses me and pleases me to see the stuff i learned in my Communication Studies major being used in real life – in Christian counseling, no less! i find it frustrating that a lot of Christians i know dismiss techniques like this as fruity, superfluous, worldly, etc. but i think they’re helpful and, though cheesy at first, can make for really transformative, godly communication.
@carissa:
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback. I have noticed that EVERYBODY has a technique. And a lot of those Christians who dismiss counseling techniques will teach classes on their Bible Study technique, or run off to a conference to learn the latest church growth technique.
Oh, and for all of those biblicists out there, (I’m one, too), if you want to see Tossing the Oreo in action, take a look at how the Lord Jesus handled the church at Ephesus in Revelation 2:1-7.
1. I know your works (cookie)
2. You’ve left your first love (filling)
3. He who overcomes (cookie)
4. Remember, repent, and do the first works (toss).
Yes, this is in a different order. But all the components are there.